Jupiter Ascending

What, this old jacket? I've had it for years.
5/10 - The bright lights and space ships can't save this wreck of a blockbuster attempt.
Release Date: 
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Written by: 

Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum attempt to kick alien butt in this outer space fantasy.


After being released over six months later than originally planned, hopes were high for The Wachowskis' latest movie Jupiter Ascending.

After all, these siblings are the directors behind the critically acclaimed Matrix trilogy; a lot of people were relying on them to offer something equally exciting as the antics of Neo, Trinity and Morpheus.

While the special effects are out of this world, the plot is unfortunately anything but.

This movie centres around Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), who spends her time on earth as a cleaner to get by. Her soft spoken voice is what begins the story, recalling how her mother and father met in Russia and her dad's passion for astrology - turns out he was the one who came up with her name.

With no warning Jupiter's boring, routine life is quickly flipped when hunky genetically engineered hunter Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) seeks her out to reveal her genetics make her next in line to take the throne in an outer space galaxy, which means she'll become the owner of Earth.

However it isn't all good news for Jupiter as a family of alien royalty are monitoring her every move. Their aim? To harvest humans and create a youth serum so they can live forever. But their plans will be scuppered if the earthling beauty takes what's rightfully hers.

And so begins a confusing and epic adventure to keep Jupiter and her family out of harm's way and save her planet from being wiped of life.

This isn't made very clear though throughout the movie, which instead seems to rely on impressive CGI (including some classic Matrix-style moves) rather than allowing the audience to place their hope in Jupiter and Caine.

Eddie Redmayne as the evil whispering alien Balem Abrasax gives both a frightening and bizarre performance, especially when viewers get to feast their eyes on a glimpse of his behind during a random bath shot. Nudity seems to be a big thing in Balem's family, as his sister Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) also strips off to soak in the magical serum.

Eddie's onscreen brother Douglas Booth, (who admitted he couldnt' concentrate when Kunis wore a low-cut top) who plays Titus, captures the vanity and selfishness of his character well but his evil desires aren't explored enough, leaving the audience baffled when he insists he and Jupiter should marry.

Seeing the stunning sights of Jupiter's hometown of Chicago help to bring this tale a bit more down to earth, as do cheesy lines such as 'Up is hard, down is easy' and 'Your Majesty, I have more in common with a dog than I have with you'. Sadly, neither of these are enough to save the diluted narrative and lack of any truly exciting moments.

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